Written for and first presented at Happy Yess Comedy April 2014 - Good vs Evil
They've come to us from foreign lands
With nothing to offer in their sunburnt hands
They meet our eyes and we look the other way
They're forced to spend their lives on the street
Begging for money from the people they meet
So Australia won't you join me
For Charity Spruiker Awareness Day
Who do you turn to when you need an answer
On endangered species, or a cure for cancer?
But whatever the issue we know the story ends:
"I'm just bringing you this information
I'm sorry but can't except a cash donation
But if you'll give your credit card number we can still be friends.
Because if every Australian could donate
The cost of one cup of coffee, or a single plate
Of spaghetti a week to get behind the task
That would give our spruiker friends here
And income of approximately 5.38 billion dollars a year
Come on Australia, is that really too much to ask?
And I know that every single one of us
Has been stopped by a spruiker when we're late for the bus
Saying "Can I ask you just one question" and standing in the way
But if we didn't these people to attack us
We'd lose a chance to flirt with hot backpackers.
So join me tonight for Charity Spruiker Awareness Day.
Make of that what you will.
Garry with 2 Rs
Showing posts with label Charity Spruikers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Charity Spruikers. Show all posts
08 April 2014
18 December 2012
Christmas Spirit
I’m a little mixed up this morning. I try to keep on top of headlines and opinions, and this morning, just a few days after the darkness of the Sandy Hook massacre, I’m reading stories and articles about how people are angry about being encouraged to give to charity.
It’s a week before Christmas. Matt Young is telling us he won’t be giving to charity to because his inner-Sydney urban lifestyle is too expensive. And also in Sydney, a bar in Surrey Hills has banned the Salvation Army from entering its establishment because apparently the homeless people at the Salvos shelter up the road are often intoxicated, and the pub doesn’t hold with that sort of thing. And to top it off, someone is trying to kill Oxfam Girl, whose only crime is being too imaginary.
I don’t mind people having a go when the charities get a little too cheeky. I’ve been known to have the odd crack at them myself. But the Christmas season is not the time to start whining about people asking for money on behalf of those less fortunate, especially when the only reason we’re complaining is because the cost of living is going up, which, while it’s a nuisance for us, is likely to be catastrophic for those who are struggling to get by as it is. And not struggling in the sense of “I’ve no money left at the end of the pay period," but struggling in the sense of “I guess I can go live in my car for a while.”
Okay, so groceries are expensive. Petrol is insane. Electricity bills are set to go through the roof. The point we all seem to miss in this is that even when they’re expensive, we still have ready access to food, fuel, electricity and roofs. There are plenty of people, even in Australia and in the centre of Sydney who struggle even for these basic things. Not just struggle to pay for them; they don’t get them at all. Thank God for organisations like the Salvos who are prepared to stand in the gap and speak for them.
It’s fine if you don’t like their religious stance. And it’s fine if you want to criticise their corporate structure. But if you can’t spare some change for the homeless while you’re enjoying your nine dollar apple cider, then I don’t care what your philosophical or economic stance is: you’re doing it wrong.
So in this season of giving, try to find a little bit of extra light in your heart, and buy a sandwich for an inner city wanker who might have to unplug his plasma TV for a while to manage his electricity bill.
To the rest of you: Merry Christmas!
Garry with 2 Rs
It’s a week before Christmas. Matt Young is telling us he won’t be giving to charity to because his inner-Sydney urban lifestyle is too expensive. And also in Sydney, a bar in Surrey Hills has banned the Salvation Army from entering its establishment because apparently the homeless people at the Salvos shelter up the road are often intoxicated, and the pub doesn’t hold with that sort of thing. And to top it off, someone is trying to kill Oxfam Girl, whose only crime is being too imaginary.
I don’t mind people having a go when the charities get a little too cheeky. I’ve been known to have the odd crack at them myself. But the Christmas season is not the time to start whining about people asking for money on behalf of those less fortunate, especially when the only reason we’re complaining is because the cost of living is going up, which, while it’s a nuisance for us, is likely to be catastrophic for those who are struggling to get by as it is. And not struggling in the sense of “I’ve no money left at the end of the pay period," but struggling in the sense of “I guess I can go live in my car for a while.”
Okay, so groceries are expensive. Petrol is insane. Electricity bills are set to go through the roof. The point we all seem to miss in this is that even when they’re expensive, we still have ready access to food, fuel, electricity and roofs. There are plenty of people, even in Australia and in the centre of Sydney who struggle even for these basic things. Not just struggle to pay for them; they don’t get them at all. Thank God for organisations like the Salvos who are prepared to stand in the gap and speak for them.
It’s fine if you don’t like their religious stance. And it’s fine if you want to criticise their corporate structure. But if you can’t spare some change for the homeless while you’re enjoying your nine dollar apple cider, then I don’t care what your philosophical or economic stance is: you’re doing it wrong.
So in this season of giving, try to find a little bit of extra light in your heart, and buy a sandwich for an inner city wanker who might have to unplug his plasma TV for a while to manage his electricity bill.
To the rest of you: Merry Christmas!
Garry with 2 Rs
09 February 2012
More Fun with Spruikers
Wow!
What an eventful week it’s been. I don’t want to put the mozz on it, but February is shaping up as the best month in quite some time. I really don’t know where to start on this one, but since it’s been a while since I’ve actually sat down and written anything, I think I’ll warm up with a quick run through with an old favourite.
How much fun is playing with street spruikers?
I met a really nice one last weekend, who, despite having come up from Sydney, refrained from making comments about how he had no idea what was going on and how different Darwin was from Sydney and how it was sooooooo hot and how much he liked the markets. I mean those are all valid points (except the markets one. They don’t start up again for a while yet), but you’re not going to convince me to give you money by telling me how weird my home town is. Like I don’t already know. This guy made sensible comments about the charity he was spruiking, and actually listened to my answers and questions rather than abandoning each unsuccessful persuasion technique in favour of a different approach. In the end, I had to tell him I was all tapped out for charity donations for now, but if you have some spare space on your credit card, go check out Mission Australia’s Youth Up program. It looks like it would be really worthwhile getting behind.
Meanwhile at a different charity stall:
Hot German Backpacker: Hi. Would you like to come and talk to me?
Gw2Rs: (checks watch and confirms how much of his lunch hour is left) … Okay.
HGB: What is your favourite animal?
Gw2Rs: The velociraptor.
HGB: The what?
And with that she blew any possible chance she had of being taken seriously, either as a charity spruiker or as a human being. I decided to stick around and see how much free information I could get out of her.
Gw2Rs: Never mind. I like eagles.
HGB: Wow. What an interesting answer.
Gw2Rs: … ?
HGB: Most people say cat or dog.
Gw2Rs: BORING!
HGB: I know. So have you heard of the WWF before?
Gw2Rs: The wrestling show?
HGB: … No. Well, what we are doing is we are trying to save endangered animals from extinction. Do you like tigers?
Gw2Rs: Sure, who doesn’t?
HGB: Did you know there are five different types of tigers in the world?
Gw2Rs: Hmm… Bengal, Sumatran, Siberian, Tasmanian… What’s the last one?
HGB: … I don’t know. But what is really sad is that soon all these different kinds may be extinct. Blah blah blah reducing numbers, blah blah destruction of habitat, blah blah humans are evil. We are starting up a new program to help tigers. In ten years, 2022, it will be the Chinese year of the tiger. We are hoping to save all the tigers in the world by the time that year comes.
Gw2Rs: Sounds good. Apparently this year is the year of the dragon. How many of them did you save?
HGB: I don’t know.
Gw2Rs: (gives up and leaves).
Apparently the missing tiger types are Malayan and Chinese. They aren’t so well known, mainly because they really are as rare as they say they are. Maybe it’s just as well. I was going to suggest Italian, but God knows what the next poor guy would have been told if I’d given her that idea.
Make of that what you will.
Garry with 2 Rs
06 December 2010
Lending A Hand
I'm in Brisbane this week for a wedding and a U2 concert. Wandering around the Brisbane CBD this morning I realised how much I've missed the opportunity for some sporting backchat with the friendly neighborhood charity spruikers. I mean, sure we have them in Darwin, but not with the same intensity and optimism as in the larger eastern cities.
I met a really nice Amnesty girl named Freda who was cleverly set up under cover out of the rain beside a set of traffic lights, so she could pick off helpless pedestrians waiting for the green man. She wasn't even asking for money, just signatures on a petition demanding an increase in living conditions in Myanmar.
Then I met a really rude one from some child sponsorship agency called The Plan. She didn't even give me her name, she just asked me a whole series of rhetorical questions about the benefits of giving them money. I explained that I already had a sponsor child through Compassion and that I couldn't afford to take on another at that time. She responded by asking how good it would be if I gave more. I impolitely excused myself and moved on. I really don't like it when they force me to be rude in order to end the conversation.
But by far my most unusual experience today came from a spruiker not for a charity but for a manicurist's Christmas package. I guess he thought it was worth a go.
Golan: Hello. Can I ask you just one question?
Gw2Rs: Only one question.
Inside Garry's head: How would you like your remains displayed?
Golan: How long do you think it would take to give yourself a full manicure?
Gw2Rs: I have no idea. You're asking the wrong man
Inside Garry's head: Really? Of all the questions available to you, that's the one you're asking?
Golan: My name is Golan. I'm from Israel. Have you heard of Mount Golan?
Gw2Rs: No
Inside Garry's head: That's two questions, punk.
Golan: It's in Israel. It's named after me.
Gw2Rs: Is it in the Bible?
Golan: Yes
Gw2Rs: What happened there?
Golan: ... Many things.
Gw2Rs: ...
Golan: I'll show you how this works. Can I have your hand?
Gw2Rs: Um... (proffers hand anyway)
Inside Garry's head: That's three on a technicality.
Golan: Is there a special lady in your life?
Gw2Rs: No.
Inside Garry's head: Thanks for asking.
Golan: A mother or sisters?
Gw2Rs: Well...
At this point Golan started rubbing my finger with some sort of rectangular shaped piece of plastic. I still don't know what it was. He made some more chit chat about how although men aren't usually interested, women will spend hours coating their nails with chemicals to make them shiny and smooth. I wasn't really listening, as I wasn't really interested. Blah blah no chemicals...blah blah easy and quick blah blah. He finished buffing my fingers and took his plastic rectangle away.
Golan: Wow.
Gw2Rs: ... ?
Golan: WOW?
Gw2Rs: Oh... yeah. Wow.
My right index finger was now faintly reflective. Apparently this warranted a capitalised wow.
Golan: And that will last for two weeks.
Gw2Rs: It's going to stay like that for two weeks?
Golan: Guaranteed.
Gw2Rs: Um... Thanks for your time.
Inside Garry's head: Challenge accepted.
So now I'm typing away with one ridiculous looking fingernail reflecting my blogger screen back at me. You'll be happy to know I'm making progress on returning to normal with a combination of soft drink and hamburger grease.
On the other hand (see what I did there?)
Garry with 2 Rs
I met a really nice Amnesty girl named Freda who was cleverly set up under cover out of the rain beside a set of traffic lights, so she could pick off helpless pedestrians waiting for the green man. She wasn't even asking for money, just signatures on a petition demanding an increase in living conditions in Myanmar.
Then I met a really rude one from some child sponsorship agency called The Plan. She didn't even give me her name, she just asked me a whole series of rhetorical questions about the benefits of giving them money. I explained that I already had a sponsor child through Compassion and that I couldn't afford to take on another at that time. She responded by asking how good it would be if I gave more. I impolitely excused myself and moved on. I really don't like it when they force me to be rude in order to end the conversation.
But by far my most unusual experience today came from a spruiker not for a charity but for a manicurist's Christmas package. I guess he thought it was worth a go.
Golan: Hello. Can I ask you just one question?
Gw2Rs: Only one question.
Inside Garry's head: How would you like your remains displayed?
Golan: How long do you think it would take to give yourself a full manicure?
Gw2Rs: I have no idea. You're asking the wrong man
Inside Garry's head: Really? Of all the questions available to you, that's the one you're asking?
Golan: My name is Golan. I'm from Israel. Have you heard of Mount Golan?
Gw2Rs: No
Inside Garry's head: That's two questions, punk.
Golan: It's in Israel. It's named after me.
Gw2Rs: Is it in the Bible?
Golan: Yes
Gw2Rs: What happened there?
Golan: ... Many things.
Gw2Rs: ...
Golan: I'll show you how this works. Can I have your hand?
Gw2Rs: Um... (proffers hand anyway)
Inside Garry's head: That's three on a technicality.
Golan: Is there a special lady in your life?
Gw2Rs: No.
Inside Garry's head: Thanks for asking.
Golan: A mother or sisters?
Gw2Rs: Well...
At this point Golan started rubbing my finger with some sort of rectangular shaped piece of plastic. I still don't know what it was. He made some more chit chat about how although men aren't usually interested, women will spend hours coating their nails with chemicals to make them shiny and smooth. I wasn't really listening, as I wasn't really interested. Blah blah no chemicals...blah blah easy and quick blah blah. He finished buffing my fingers and took his plastic rectangle away.
Golan: Wow.
Gw2Rs: ... ?
Golan: WOW?
Gw2Rs: Oh... yeah. Wow.
My right index finger was now faintly reflective. Apparently this warranted a capitalised wow.
Golan: And that will last for two weeks.
Gw2Rs: It's going to stay like that for two weeks?
Golan: Guaranteed.
Gw2Rs: Um... Thanks for your time.
Inside Garry's head: Challenge accepted.
So now I'm typing away with one ridiculous looking fingernail reflecting my blogger screen back at me. You'll be happy to know I'm making progress on returning to normal with a combination of soft drink and hamburger grease.
On the other hand (see what I did there?)
Garry with 2 Rs
10 August 2010
How to Recognise Different Types of Social Justice Issues From Quite A Long Way Away
This morning I was surprised and slightly confused to read about the current policy priorities for indigenous Australians being championed by Amnesty International.
Let me state from the outset that I am generally a fan of Amnesty, and support them financially on a monthly basis. But I’m not entirely sold on this morning’s effort. I appreciate the concern, and it’s certainly a good thing that someone out there is looking out for the rights of indigenous Australians. I would just rather a slightly more realistic and pragmatic approach be taken.
Claire Mallinson, speaking on behalf of Amnesty, told ABC reporters that the Northern Territory Intervention is discriminatory and a violation of human rights. In particular, she was concerned about the basics card. You can find a summary of Amnesty's position here.
And now: Some background.
In 2007 in the lead up to his last federal election, then Prime Minister John Howard announced a national emergency response based on a report into child abuse and other social issues affecting remote indigenous communities. Given the timing of the announcement, it was difficult not be a little cynical about the politics involved in the scheme. Also, activist groups in southern states (made up largely of white uni students who had never met an aborigine in their lives) started jumping up and down, decrying the racist imperialism of the Howard Government, foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards.
Since all that went down, very little has changed. Standards of living in remote communities are still ridiculous in comparison to even the dodgiest houses in major cities. Amnesty International is, quite rightly, pretty annoyed about that.
One change that has been implemented is the Basics Card, which is an income management tool that helps to ensure money in remote communities is being spent on food and utilities and not on gambling, alcohol or other problematic social habits. Given the extent to which the issues of neglect and child abuse are interwoven with alcoholism, gambling, substance abuse and domestic violence (to say nothing of cultural disenfranchisement and wholesale national indifference) this makes a lot of sense, and by and large the response I have seen in my travels to remote communities is that the basics card has been helping a lot and the elders are keen to continue using it in communities where the difficulties in spending money wisely have as much to do with appalling levels of literacy and numeracy as with criminal neglect.
So I was a little surprised to read that Amnesty was so vehemently opposed to it. Their argument is that it is discriminatory and needlessly restricts the freedom of those for whom the program is implemented. And admittedly, it doesn’t help matters that the anti-discrimination laws had to be revoked in order to institute a program that specifically targets aboriginal communities. To find out more, I did what I always do when I’m politically confused: I paid a visit to my friendly local shopping centre charity spruiker.
Garry: Can you tell me why Amnesty are opposed to the Basics Card?
Amnesty Girl: The main problem is that it makes life more difficult for people in remote areas. Women in those areas used to pool their money and once a month go shopping and buy all their groceries in bulk. You can’t do that with the basics card. Also, it’s discriminatory. We feel it’s not right that this system be imposed on Aboriginal communities and not everyone else.
Garry: Surely the basics card is more about preventing the money being spent on gambling or petrol sniffing or something, than fostering convenient shopping arrangements.
Amnesty Girl: The intervention was aimed originally at reducing child abuse. We feel that imposing this restriction on aboriginal communities simply because they are aboriginal does nothing to prevent child abuse.
Garry: But aren’t all these problems interlinked?
Amnesty Girl: Of course. But it’s discriminatory to apply it only to communities because they’re aboriginal. We have problems with child abuse where I’m from, but the Government doesn’t make us use basics cards.
Garry: Where are you from?
Amnesty Girl: New South Wales.
Garry: …
Amnesty Girl: Did you know that Northern Territory has the highest instance of alcohol abuse in the world?
Garry: Yes I did (it was also in the news this morning).
Amnesty Girl: So why don’t they just put us all on Basics Cards?
Garry: Thanks for your time.
The answer to her question is that in larger cities and even in regional New South Wales there is considerably more access to police, health services, counselling services and financial management assistance than there is in East Arnhem Land. It’s not discrimination to tailor specific solutions to specific communities with specific (and chronic) needs. In fact it’s called good governance. To regard me, with my privileged upbringing and tertiary education, as requiring the same care and attention as those bought up in near enough to third world conditions isn’t social justice; in fact it’s called idiocy. Aboriginal people need our support and it is our moral responsibility to provide it, antidiscrimination laws be damned, not least because it’s was us that screwed them out of their land and culture in the first place.
I could have stayed to argue with Amnesty Girl, but I was running out of lunch hour. Also, I’ve been watching old episodes of The West Wing, and couldn’t help but feel it was more Lymanesque to simply end the conversation and walk off smugly in the knowledge that I was much better informed and vastly more intelligent. Furthermore, I needed to return my James Bond comic to the library.
And now: Number one - The Larch
Garry with 2 Rs
P.S. I realise the Amnesty International link is quite dated. By the time I got back to news.com.au to find the quote from this morning, it had been deleted. I'm not sure what to make of that.
Let me state from the outset that I am generally a fan of Amnesty, and support them financially on a monthly basis. But I’m not entirely sold on this morning’s effort. I appreciate the concern, and it’s certainly a good thing that someone out there is looking out for the rights of indigenous Australians. I would just rather a slightly more realistic and pragmatic approach be taken.
Claire Mallinson, speaking on behalf of Amnesty, told ABC reporters that the Northern Territory Intervention is discriminatory and a violation of human rights. In particular, she was concerned about the basics card. You can find a summary of Amnesty's position here.
And now: Some background.
In 2007 in the lead up to his last federal election, then Prime Minister John Howard announced a national emergency response based on a report into child abuse and other social issues affecting remote indigenous communities. Given the timing of the announcement, it was difficult not be a little cynical about the politics involved in the scheme. Also, activist groups in southern states (made up largely of white uni students who had never met an aborigine in their lives) started jumping up and down, decrying the racist imperialism of the Howard Government, foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards.
Since all that went down, very little has changed. Standards of living in remote communities are still ridiculous in comparison to even the dodgiest houses in major cities. Amnesty International is, quite rightly, pretty annoyed about that.
One change that has been implemented is the Basics Card, which is an income management tool that helps to ensure money in remote communities is being spent on food and utilities and not on gambling, alcohol or other problematic social habits. Given the extent to which the issues of neglect and child abuse are interwoven with alcoholism, gambling, substance abuse and domestic violence (to say nothing of cultural disenfranchisement and wholesale national indifference) this makes a lot of sense, and by and large the response I have seen in my travels to remote communities is that the basics card has been helping a lot and the elders are keen to continue using it in communities where the difficulties in spending money wisely have as much to do with appalling levels of literacy and numeracy as with criminal neglect.
So I was a little surprised to read that Amnesty was so vehemently opposed to it. Their argument is that it is discriminatory and needlessly restricts the freedom of those for whom the program is implemented. And admittedly, it doesn’t help matters that the anti-discrimination laws had to be revoked in order to institute a program that specifically targets aboriginal communities. To find out more, I did what I always do when I’m politically confused: I paid a visit to my friendly local shopping centre charity spruiker.
Garry: Can you tell me why Amnesty are opposed to the Basics Card?
Amnesty Girl: The main problem is that it makes life more difficult for people in remote areas. Women in those areas used to pool their money and once a month go shopping and buy all their groceries in bulk. You can’t do that with the basics card. Also, it’s discriminatory. We feel it’s not right that this system be imposed on Aboriginal communities and not everyone else.
Garry: Surely the basics card is more about preventing the money being spent on gambling or petrol sniffing or something, than fostering convenient shopping arrangements.
Amnesty Girl: The intervention was aimed originally at reducing child abuse. We feel that imposing this restriction on aboriginal communities simply because they are aboriginal does nothing to prevent child abuse.
Garry: But aren’t all these problems interlinked?
Amnesty Girl: Of course. But it’s discriminatory to apply it only to communities because they’re aboriginal. We have problems with child abuse where I’m from, but the Government doesn’t make us use basics cards.
Garry: Where are you from?
Amnesty Girl: New South Wales.
Garry: …
Amnesty Girl: Did you know that Northern Territory has the highest instance of alcohol abuse in the world?
Garry: Yes I did (it was also in the news this morning).
Amnesty Girl: So why don’t they just put us all on Basics Cards?
Garry: Thanks for your time.
The answer to her question is that in larger cities and even in regional New South Wales there is considerably more access to police, health services, counselling services and financial management assistance than there is in East Arnhem Land. It’s not discrimination to tailor specific solutions to specific communities with specific (and chronic) needs. In fact it’s called good governance. To regard me, with my privileged upbringing and tertiary education, as requiring the same care and attention as those bought up in near enough to third world conditions isn’t social justice; in fact it’s called idiocy. Aboriginal people need our support and it is our moral responsibility to provide it, antidiscrimination laws be damned, not least because it’s was us that screwed them out of their land and culture in the first place.
I could have stayed to argue with Amnesty Girl, but I was running out of lunch hour. Also, I’ve been watching old episodes of The West Wing, and couldn’t help but feel it was more Lymanesque to simply end the conversation and walk off smugly in the knowledge that I was much better informed and vastly more intelligent. Furthermore, I needed to return my James Bond comic to the library.
And now: Number one - The Larch
Garry with 2 Rs
P.S. I realise the Amnesty International link is quite dated. By the time I got back to news.com.au to find the quote from this morning, it had been deleted. I'm not sure what to make of that.
06 April 2010
The Ghosts of Made-Up Girlfriends Past
The most peculiar thing happened to me today as I was walking through Casuarina. I was strolling, coke bottle in hand (He is risen, baby!), through the older section near K-Mart when I was approached and stopped by a misty-eyed exotic stranger. I knew straight away what was happening, having had some experience with shopping mall charity spruikers in the past, but nonetheless having a pretty girl stop me to chat occurs infrequently enough that I just decided to go with it.
Alice (name changed to protect the ignorant; it was actually a really hot sounding Russian name that I couldn’t spell if I tried): How’re you going today?
Garry with 2 Rs: I’m going pretty well. How’re you?
Alice: Pretty good thanks. Would you like to take a couple of minutes to see what we’re doing here today?
Gw2Rs: I suppose I have a few minutes to spare (translates as “I’ll look at anything you want me to, just keep that James Bond villainess accent coming”).
Alice: My name’s Alice, by the way. What’s yours?
Gw2Rs: I’m Garry. Alice… that’s an unusual name.
Alice: It’s Russian. And congratulations: you’re the first person today to pronounce it correctly. Most people can’t do that.
Gw2Rs: I’m a linguist (said with smug confidence that didn’t really match the content, but what are you going to do?).
Alice: Oh wow! I did some Slavic philology at college back home.
Gw2Rs: Fantastic. That sounds fascinating. (Yeah! Suck on that, veterinary science students I went to uni with! Who’s talking to all the pretty girls now?)
Alice: Well… anyway, I am here today representing Oxfam International.
And just like that, the spell was broken. I mean, I kept up the façade of being interested in what she was collecting for (something to do with sexually abused women building wells in Africa), but I knew what her real agenda was. It all starts off with a bit of innocent (well…) chit-chat. Next thing you know you’re buying a block of fair trade chocolate a week and pining over a forbidden love who starts making uninvited and frankly preposterous appearances in slightly embellished accounts of your European working holiday.
Not today, Alice!
Actually, it turns out Oxfam don’t even have a shop in Darwin. This sucks a bit because I left my make poverty history wristband on a table in Brisbane on my way through in November. These guys were based on the Gold Coast and were in town on the Darwin leg of a national tour. Somewhere, charity spokesperson got cross-wired with rockstar and I, for one, welcome the change.
And remember, it costs as little as a dollar a day to send as many cute Europeans to talk to Garry in shopping malls as it takes to buy just one cup of coffee a week. Give or take.
Over to you, ROOOOOOZ!
Garry with 2 Rs
What? Scraping the barrel a bit? Why yes. Yes I am.
Alice (name changed to protect the ignorant; it was actually a really hot sounding Russian name that I couldn’t spell if I tried): How’re you going today?
Garry with 2 Rs: I’m going pretty well. How’re you?
Alice: Pretty good thanks. Would you like to take a couple of minutes to see what we’re doing here today?
Gw2Rs: I suppose I have a few minutes to spare (translates as “I’ll look at anything you want me to, just keep that James Bond villainess accent coming”).
Alice: My name’s Alice, by the way. What’s yours?
Gw2Rs: I’m Garry. Alice… that’s an unusual name.
Alice: It’s Russian. And congratulations: you’re the first person today to pronounce it correctly. Most people can’t do that.
Gw2Rs: I’m a linguist (said with smug confidence that didn’t really match the content, but what are you going to do?).
Alice: Oh wow! I did some Slavic philology at college back home.
Gw2Rs: Fantastic. That sounds fascinating. (Yeah! Suck on that, veterinary science students I went to uni with! Who’s talking to all the pretty girls now?)
Alice: Well… anyway, I am here today representing Oxfam International.
And just like that, the spell was broken. I mean, I kept up the façade of being interested in what she was collecting for (something to do with sexually abused women building wells in Africa), but I knew what her real agenda was. It all starts off with a bit of innocent (well…) chit-chat. Next thing you know you’re buying a block of fair trade chocolate a week and pining over a forbidden love who starts making uninvited and frankly preposterous appearances in slightly embellished accounts of your European working holiday.
Not today, Alice!
Actually, it turns out Oxfam don’t even have a shop in Darwin. This sucks a bit because I left my make poverty history wristband on a table in Brisbane on my way through in November. These guys were based on the Gold Coast and were in town on the Darwin leg of a national tour. Somewhere, charity spokesperson got cross-wired with rockstar and I, for one, welcome the change.
And remember, it costs as little as a dollar a day to send as many cute Europeans to talk to Garry in shopping malls as it takes to buy just one cup of coffee a week. Give or take.
Over to you, ROOOOOOZ!
Garry with 2 Rs
What? Scraping the barrel a bit? Why yes. Yes I am.
03 November 2008
Surprised Spruiker
Chatswood Mall is the spruiker capital of the world.
Alright, that’s probably not true. The international spruiker convention probably has more spruikers per capita than Chatswood Mall, but only just. And I’m not even talking about the guys out the front of soon-to-close-down jewellery shops telling us all about how passionately they believe in the never-to-be-repeated bargains on offer here this morning shoppers. I’m talking about these spruikers:
“Do you have a moment to talk about human rights in China?”
“Have you heard about the humanitarian disaster in Pakistan?”
“Can I chat with you for a minute about heart disease?”
“If you don’t stop and talk with me about the environment, my associates will come and throw acid and stink bombs all over your car.”
“Yep, that’s right dude, keep walking you selfish, consumerist wanker. Children are starving and it’s all your fault!”
They’re all (with the exception of Greenpeace) great causes. I really wish I could support them all. I’m a bit of a sucker for the street charities, and quite often I’ll stop and chat with them if they’re friendly and not too confrontational. Or really good looking. And being a moderately affluent young professional, over the last 18 months or so I’ve ended up supporting a few of them. My favourite moments are when I’m talking with one of these guys and they’re just a little too keen to move in for the kill, so they neglect to ask the really important questions first:
Spruiker: Do you have a few minutes to talk about human rights violations in China?
Garry: (Glances at wrist. He doesn’t wear a watch anymore) Sure, why not?
Spruiker: Basically, China has an authoritarian control on freedom of expression. All the newspapers are governments censored and journalists who criticise the government can be arrested.
Garry: That’s terrible.
Spruiker: Amnesty is currently petitioning the United Nations to publicly condemn the policies as a violation of human rights, and advocating support for persecuted journalists.
Garry: That’s fantastic.
Spruiker: Do you think that’s a cause worth supporting?
Garry: Yep, certainly.
Spruiker: Would you be prepared to give a small amount, just one cup of coffee (why is it always coffee?) a week to support Amnesty International?
Garry: I already do.
Spruiker: So you… what?
Garry: I already support Amnesty International.
Spruiker: Why didn’t you tell me that at the start?
Garry: You didn’t ask. You just asked me if I wanted to chat about human rights in China. And we have. It was most informative, thankyou.
Spruiker: Well… yeah. Good on you.
Garry: You too mate. Have a nice day.
The ones I really don’t like are the ones who are out to guilt you. That ask you how much you spend on food in a day, or what your disposable budget for a week is, and then point out that you could feed half of Africa for a decade with the pocket change of the average Sydneysider if only we took a leaf out of the socially aware spruiker’s book and weren’t all so damned selfish.
I met a really rude one today. We had a great chat about the plight of political refugees in Sudan. We came to the inevitable awkward moment of asking for money. I smiled and told him I couldn’t take on any new charities as I was about to leave my job to travel and would probably have to drop the ones I was already supporting.
Spruiker: Oh you’re travelling, are you? Where are you travelling to?
Garry: Spain.
Spruiker: Spain. Yeah, that’s nice. So I’m guessing that would cost around two or three thousand dollars at least.
Garry: … yeah…
Spruiker: So tell me, compared with that, what is twenty five dollars a month? It’s just a cup of coffee a week.
Garry: I don’t drink coffee.
Spruiker: Okay, what about chocolate? A block of chocolate a week then.
Garry: Guess again mate. I only buy fair trade chocolate (flagrantly not true, but this guy got me really angry). You couldn’t buy one of them a week for twenty five dollars a month, mate. I was just on my way to pick some up. And frankly, if you’re out here pontificating to me about respecting human rights in Africa while you’re eating chocolate produced with the blood, sweat and tears of juvenile slaves, you need to have a good hard look at yourself. Shame on you.
Oxfam Girl: (appearing from her shop to see what all the commotion is about) What? You mean this guy eats free trade chocolate? I don’t believe this!
Spruiker: What? I…
Oxfam Girl: I’m going to have to open up a can of woopass on you now.
And she proceeded to do exactly that. That guy messed with the wrong moderately affluent young professional.
So obviously everything after “I don’t drink coffee” didn’t actually happen, I just extrapolated the conversation and included it for a cheap laugh. Actually, I just stopped listening after he mentioned coffee, thanked him for his time and moved on.
The Sudanese refugees do it really tough, and I wish I could save them all, I really do. But nothing in my religion or any others that I know anything about gives any human the right to use guilt on another human being who has done nothing wrong. Or who, at the very least, has done no more wrong than the one doing the guilting (and stone throwing, if you see where I’m going). Being born in Australia is not a crime; it’s a blessing. Travelling to Europe is not a selfish indulgence, it’s an adventure and a chance to broaden my horizons and make myself a more informed, educated, well rounded person. And if I didn’t give so much to charity each month I would probably have been there about six months ago.
At least I can say I acted out of mercy and compassion by walking away, instead of punching him in the head.
Now that’s charity.
Far from home
Garry with 2 Rs
Alright, that’s probably not true. The international spruiker convention probably has more spruikers per capita than Chatswood Mall, but only just. And I’m not even talking about the guys out the front of soon-to-close-down jewellery shops telling us all about how passionately they believe in the never-to-be-repeated bargains on offer here this morning shoppers. I’m talking about these spruikers:
“Do you have a moment to talk about human rights in China?”
“Have you heard about the humanitarian disaster in Pakistan?”
“Can I chat with you for a minute about heart disease?”
“If you don’t stop and talk with me about the environment, my associates will come and throw acid and stink bombs all over your car.”
“Yep, that’s right dude, keep walking you selfish, consumerist wanker. Children are starving and it’s all your fault!”
They’re all (with the exception of Greenpeace) great causes. I really wish I could support them all. I’m a bit of a sucker for the street charities, and quite often I’ll stop and chat with them if they’re friendly and not too confrontational. Or really good looking. And being a moderately affluent young professional, over the last 18 months or so I’ve ended up supporting a few of them. My favourite moments are when I’m talking with one of these guys and they’re just a little too keen to move in for the kill, so they neglect to ask the really important questions first:
Spruiker: Do you have a few minutes to talk about human rights violations in China?
Garry: (Glances at wrist. He doesn’t wear a watch anymore) Sure, why not?
Spruiker: Basically, China has an authoritarian control on freedom of expression. All the newspapers are governments censored and journalists who criticise the government can be arrested.
Garry: That’s terrible.
Spruiker: Amnesty is currently petitioning the United Nations to publicly condemn the policies as a violation of human rights, and advocating support for persecuted journalists.
Garry: That’s fantastic.
Spruiker: Do you think that’s a cause worth supporting?
Garry: Yep, certainly.
Spruiker: Would you be prepared to give a small amount, just one cup of coffee (why is it always coffee?) a week to support Amnesty International?
Garry: I already do.
Spruiker: So you… what?
Garry: I already support Amnesty International.
Spruiker: Why didn’t you tell me that at the start?
Garry: You didn’t ask. You just asked me if I wanted to chat about human rights in China. And we have. It was most informative, thankyou.
Spruiker: Well… yeah. Good on you.
Garry: You too mate. Have a nice day.
The ones I really don’t like are the ones who are out to guilt you. That ask you how much you spend on food in a day, or what your disposable budget for a week is, and then point out that you could feed half of Africa for a decade with the pocket change of the average Sydneysider if only we took a leaf out of the socially aware spruiker’s book and weren’t all so damned selfish.
I met a really rude one today. We had a great chat about the plight of political refugees in Sudan. We came to the inevitable awkward moment of asking for money. I smiled and told him I couldn’t take on any new charities as I was about to leave my job to travel and would probably have to drop the ones I was already supporting.
Spruiker: Oh you’re travelling, are you? Where are you travelling to?
Garry: Spain.
Spruiker: Spain. Yeah, that’s nice. So I’m guessing that would cost around two or three thousand dollars at least.
Garry: … yeah…
Spruiker: So tell me, compared with that, what is twenty five dollars a month? It’s just a cup of coffee a week.
Garry: I don’t drink coffee.
Spruiker: Okay, what about chocolate? A block of chocolate a week then.
Garry: Guess again mate. I only buy fair trade chocolate (flagrantly not true, but this guy got me really angry). You couldn’t buy one of them a week for twenty five dollars a month, mate. I was just on my way to pick some up. And frankly, if you’re out here pontificating to me about respecting human rights in Africa while you’re eating chocolate produced with the blood, sweat and tears of juvenile slaves, you need to have a good hard look at yourself. Shame on you.
Oxfam Girl: (appearing from her shop to see what all the commotion is about) What? You mean this guy eats free trade chocolate? I don’t believe this!
Spruiker: What? I…
Oxfam Girl: I’m going to have to open up a can of woopass on you now.
And she proceeded to do exactly that. That guy messed with the wrong moderately affluent young professional.
So obviously everything after “I don’t drink coffee” didn’t actually happen, I just extrapolated the conversation and included it for a cheap laugh. Actually, I just stopped listening after he mentioned coffee, thanked him for his time and moved on.
The Sudanese refugees do it really tough, and I wish I could save them all, I really do. But nothing in my religion or any others that I know anything about gives any human the right to use guilt on another human being who has done nothing wrong. Or who, at the very least, has done no more wrong than the one doing the guilting (and stone throwing, if you see where I’m going). Being born in Australia is not a crime; it’s a blessing. Travelling to Europe is not a selfish indulgence, it’s an adventure and a chance to broaden my horizons and make myself a more informed, educated, well rounded person. And if I didn’t give so much to charity each month I would probably have been there about six months ago.
At least I can say I acted out of mercy and compassion by walking away, instead of punching him in the head.
Now that’s charity.
Far from home
Garry with 2 Rs
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